Living With Doubt

I know we all have doubts about who we are and what we're doing in our lives. We all wonder about paths not taken and are we really where we're supposed to be. I believe we all end up where we're supposed to be, even if by free will we sometimes take the long way there. I believe God has called me to do His work, that everything I have done in my life has led me to this spot right here. But man do I question that sometimes!!!!

In my class on Monday my professor said something to the effect of ministry being the one profession he could think of where you feel a calling to do it but feel like a failure most of the time. I was so happy to hear that!!! In the months since I heard my calling, I have gone back and forth on whether or not this is really and truly what I want to do. Although I guess if it's a calling it's not necessarily whether or not I want to do it so much as I have to do it. But it always seems like just when that thought is sitting comfortably with me something comes along that makes me doubt myself. That makes me doubt what I'm doing is the right thing. Who am I to think that I can guide people along their journeys? Who am I to think that I can answer others questions when I have so many of my own? You get the idea. To give an example: Easter Sunday in church we were doing our congregational discussion part of the service and talking about what Easter meant for us as a child and what it means for us now. I raised my hand, took the microphone, and took a deep breath. I told them that a few years ago in a book study we were doing on the book The Last Week by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan the question was raised on whether or not we really and truly believe that Jesus was raised from the dead three days after his crucifixion. I said at the time that I didn't know if I believed it because I deep down believed it or whether I believed it because that's how I was raised. I still don't know to this day. And I admitted that, as a person going in to ministry, on Easter Sunday, in church. Not easy to do, but I felt it had to be said. Yes, you read that right. An idea that sits at the core of being a Christian, and I don't know what I believe about it. I was sitting in fellowship hour after church when a woman named Lindsey came up to me. She graduated from Colgate and has preached at our church before. Her mother is a retired pastor who has recently started coming to our church. And Lindsey told me basically that I am not alone. That she has doubts all the time and questions and that it is completely 100% okay that I do to. My pastor spoke to me after church when we on our way to Easter lunch/dinner. She said that Jane, Lindsey's mother, and her were talking about this very dilemma years ago. Jane asked Pastor Deb a question: "Do you believe the tomb was empty?" Deb said "Yes." Jane replied, "Then that's all you need to know." So maybe on that particular topic, that really is all I need to know. I may not know how Jesus got from dying on the cross to the tomb being empty, but I believe it was empty.

Let me be clear, my faith is never anything I question. I believe in God. I always have, I always will. I believe God is calling me to ministry, that for some reason He wants me to help spread His word. Of those two things I have absolutely no doubt. It's all the fine details that get my mind spinning. But I'm reminded constantly that faith isn't and can't be defined. Once we think we have all the answers we in truth have none of the answers. Part of having faith is the mystery of it. I've never believed we here on earth have it right. I don't think we can. We're human. Maybe it's my job to constantly question and wonder so I will be able to show others that questioning and wondering is, quite possibly, what God wants. Maybe He doesn't want us to just sit back and accept things at face value. Maybe He wants us to keep engaging with Him. Maybe that's all part of the relationship we have with God.

One other thing I am positive about: the more I do this the more I will question. You will probably get annoyed with hearing me freak out about everything. But this also means I will be learning, and probably will never stop learning. I can only speak for my journey, for what I am going through in my life. But maybe in some small way, I can help you as well. I'm going to leave you with a quote from one of my favorite Dierks Bentley songs. The song is a love song, yes, but I think it's appropriate for how I feel about a lot of what's going on in my life right now, including this whole spiritual journey.

 "So maybe you could walk with me a while, and maybe I could rest inside your smile, Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold "Cause it's a long trip alone."