Breath of Heaven Moment

So....my first Christmas season after answering God's call. Of course I had expectations as the holidays started. I somehow thought I would be more, I don't know, holy? Awestruck? Overcome with emotion? Overwhelmed with the gift of God's love in the form of Baby Jesus? Instead I feel incredibly...human.Struggling. Inadequate. And I'm not sure why. I feel almost like after hearing God's voice so clearly He's become muffled. While that path of my life is pretty clear everything else is foggy. Dead ends. Wrong turns. Have I put too high an expectation on what answering the call would be? That once I took a step in that directon all the other teetering dominos in my life would suddenly fix themselves? I don't know. I wish I could explain it.I have mixed emotions heading in to Christmas Eve and Christmas Day: excitement, sadness, peace, loneliness... Not doubt though. Ministry is where I belong. Maybe this is normal Maybe it's all part of the process and it's just the timing is coincidental. I do have hope. Hope that I will find my center again and be able to fully enjoy tonight and tomorrow. If you're reading this then I know you are part of my support system and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Throw up a quick prayer for me and have a very merry Christmas.

Baby Steps to the Elevator

I know I haven't written in a while, but there wasn't much to tell. I was waiting for the Fall Preview Day at Colgate to receive my voucher to waive the application fee before I moved any further. But you will be happy to know, that day has passed and I have taken the next step: I have sent in my application!

It was great being back on campus last Wednesday. A couple of the administration members remembered me from the last time I was there which made me feel good. They obviously weren't kidding when they said it was a small campus and everybody knows everybody!! A lot of it was repetition of things I had heard the last time I was there, but I got the chance to sit in on a different afternoon class this time: Faith and Intolerance. (or was it "tolerance?" I can't now remember) The professor was the same one who instructed the Forgiveness and Atonement class I sat in on last time and while he couldn't remember my name he did remember my face. I even participated in class with a comment at one point!!! I met the President of the school, which was another neat thing. I left that day anxious to start classes.

So Friday morning I put my application and personal statement in the mail as well as my transcript request to University of the Arts (where I earned my BFA in Theatre). I notified the people I have asked to write my recommendations that the application was sent. So now it's a waiting game. Waiting for the recommendations, the transcript, and then Colgate to process my application. Then it will be worrying about paying for school, but the first baby step has been done. And probably aside from answering my call, the most important. I am on my way. I don't feel nervous or excited. I feel more "matter-of-fact", for lack of a better word. In my mind this is a done deal so why should I worry? It's out of my hands now. I've done all I can do. I will keep you all informed as things progress. Keep me in your prayers!!

I did it!!  I gave my very first sermon this past Sunday!!!

I was asked to help with the service a few weeks ago, the day I made the decision to go in to ministry, actually. I'm not sure what was behind being asked, whether it was me speaking in church that day about how I love my church but don't feel it always gives me what I need, or if she knew I was thinking about going to seminary. But I agreed, little knowing it would lead to me doing the sermon. I did not want the responsibility of doing the entire service so I told Mary Lee I would be happy to leave everything else up to her. I won't go in to more details about the process leading up to writing the sermon. I've already covered that pretty well in an earlier post. But I will tell you what it was like that morning.

I was incredibly nervous. I was afraid that nobody would like it. What if they didn't agree with what I was saying? What if someone was upset that I chose to take a different interpretation of the passage than what you usually heard? My mom couldn't believe I was nervous considering the countless times I had stood on a stage as an actress in high school and college. But this was different. Standing in front of people and saying words somebody else wrote is not a problem for me. I love doing it. But to stand in front of people and say words that I had written, words that came from a place inside me..... This was nerve-racking. I was also worried that I would start thinking too much about the enormity of doing my first sermon. This was something that was another huge step on my new journey. I was afraid I would let the emotion overwhelm me and burst in to tears halfway through. I did find if I didn't look too long at anybody, especially my mom, I was fine. I was afraid I would talk too fast as well. I can do that when I get really passionate about something.

The feedback has been positive. Everyone at church seemed to take it really well. My pastor looked incredibly proud. I felt such a huge relief when it was over, but also a sense of wanting to do it again. I can't wait to be in the situaiton where I can share what I'm thinking and feeling with a group of people. I also can't wait to take a class on preaching so I can learn how to hone what I've done already.

God Makes the Impossible Possible by Summer Sattora

We all know this story, and in fact have probably grown up having some idea of "The Rich Man." It's not surprising since this parable can be found in three of the four gospels. But how often do we take the time to really sink our teeth in to it and examine what it may be trying to tell us? Probably not very often since it can be really hard to hear. "Go, sell what you own, and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me." I can say that certainly doesn't sit well with me. I start thinking, "Well, gee, Jesus, you know, I don't have much to begin with. Now you want me to give it up and have even less and follow you? Let me find a different parable. Maybe one that says singing in the choir is good enough...." But as I was reading (and reading) this parable to prepare for today that actually was not the part I kept returning to. Instead it was the one phrase in this passage that I've often repeated to myself at many different times in my life, as I'm sure many of us here have as well. The one phrase I've used to comfort myself when I'm in those low places. "For God all things are possible." All things are possible. All things. In fact I've tried reminding myself of it as I've faced my own personal camel through the eye of the needle: writing this sermon.

There was a story I remember hearing I think when I was a teenager. It was probably told in youth group or on a retreat, although I don't remember the circumstances. It told of a man who fell off the edge of a cliff and was holding on to a branch. As he was struggling to keep his grip a voice from out of nowhere could be heard saying, "Let go and I will keep you safe." The man didn't let go and the voice kept telling him to trust in him, that it was God, and nothing would happen to him. I don't remember how the story ended, and maybe it didn't. I'm sure the point was to make us youth start thinking about how much we actually trusted in God. Would we have the faith to let go and trust that God would catch us? Could we let go and trust in the impossible? I don't know if I could. Could you? Our human minds start wondering, well, how would God save us? A giant invisible hand to catch us? A wind to blow us back up to the top of the cliff? Or maybe like in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers a giant eagle would swoop in and fly us off to safety. We simply can't fathom the idea of just letting go. We're certain we would fall to a painful and certain death. It would be impossible to survive. But God is asking us to do that. It's not impossible for him to save us. Don't we hear stories all the time about people surviving accidents they shouldn't have? Don't we have an example sitting in our congregation of a young boy playing Spiderman out a second story window and surviving with only a few scrapes and bruises? Wasn't his family told it was impossible that he didn't break bones at the very least? God achieved the impossible.

If you think of it, the Bible is full of God achieving the impossible. In fact, look at the Old Testament. Countless examples stare us in the face. When Abraham and Sarah were convinced they could never have a child, God said to them "Is anything too wonderful for the Lord?" And Sarah gave birth to Isaac. And what about Job? Everything that happened to him would make it seem impossible to overcome. He lost everything: family, friends, wealth, health, and yet he still believed. He believed that no matter how impossible his life got God would still be with him. "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted," is what he says to God. How many of us could say the same thing? Don't forget about the New Testament. When Gabriel visits Mary to tell her she will bear a child, God's son nonetheless, and her relative Elizabeth is also going to have a child when she thought she was barren he tells her "For nothing will be impossible with God." The loaves and fishes. Jesus walking on water. The Resurrection. The Bible is full of the impossible being made possible. So why is it still so hard for us to imagine?

Put yourself in the shoes of the rich man. You think that everything you're doing is enough to get in to heaven. Then Jesus tells you it's still not enough. Everything you've worked your whole life for you need to give up. Whatever you've done, whatever commandments you've been following, are not enough. You must do more. This isn't so hard for us to do. We've all had times when we feel that God is asking the impossible of us. Is it any wonder that, like the rich man, we go away and grieve rather than give up what we're comfortable with. But what would the rewards be if instead of grieving we rejoiced and followed him? The site manager on the last house I worked on in New Orleans is an example of what happens when we trust in the impossible. She heard God telling her to leave Pennsylvnia, her family, her grandchildren, her job, her home and go to a city she didn't know to do a job she didn't know how to do. I imagine this could not have been an easy decision for her. How simple it would have been to merely walk away, to mourn what could have been. But instead she trusted in her faith and in God and earned a far greater treasure than any she had here. When I listened to her tell her story I began to wonder if I would have had the guts to do what she did. If I could walk away from everything I knew and risk the chance of having nothing to follow Jesus and what he wanted of me .Every time I would think that I had gotten myself to that point, my brain would kick in and I just couldn't conceive of a situation where I was capable of that. I don't imagine I'm alone.

But pretend for a minute that you're one of the disciples. That you had the guts and imagination to put down your nets and follow Jesus. You've been brought up in a time when you were taught that if a person was rich this meant that they were blessed and therefore guaranteed a spot in eternal life. This made your decision even harder, but you believed so strongly in this man and what he was teaching that you were willing to take that risk. What would that feel like? What would the possible feel like? How would it consume you and infuse every fiber of your being, every last cell, every breath, every thought? How much would you struggle with the continuing existence of the impossible? When Jesus told you that it would be harder for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter Heaven, would your mind be able to wrap itself around that? The beliefs ingrained in you since childhood have just been challenged. Maybe you already weren't sure what the future held for you or at least assumed eternal life would be a struggle, but holy cow, if a rich man who is supposed to be guaranteed entry is going to have a rough time, what does that mean for you? Who can be saved?

We all have our "who can be saved" moments. Someone we love dies. The job we've held for thirty years is suddenly gone. A hurricane has wiped out the home we've lived in for generations.Our spouse has been offered a fantastic job opportunity but it will take us 3,000 miles away from everyone and everything we've ever known. We wonder how we can keep moving forward. The future is a giant black cloud, looming over us, overwhelming us until the only option seems to be doing nothing. Life seems impossible. Then Jesus stands before us. For God all things are possible. We just need to trust. We just need to believe. We just need to sacrifice our fear of the impossible and open our eyes to the possible. And Jesus assures us that when we do, "there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields, for my sake and for the sake of the good news who will not receive a hundredfold now in THIS age- houses, brothers and sisters, mothers and children, and fields, with persecutions- and in THE AGE TO COME eternal life." He knows it won't be easy for us. It will be a struggle at times. But God makes the impossible possible. All we have to do is let go of the branch.

Meet in the Middle?

Well, it had to happen eventually. I've encountered my first angry atheist. And I'm not sure how to handle it. I had recently posted a link to a video that my church posted on YouTube. This person made a comment that was mildly rude but I brushed it off. Another person, who is agnostic, commented that she liked the video and it made her curious about my church. Then the first person kind of went after her for wanting to go to a church to learn about God. He felt that was the last place she should go and when I said I was offended and felt he was disrespecting my choice to be a Christian he quoted Psalm 14:1 at me and said the book disrespected him. Not wanting to drag the argument out I haven't responded. Should I have? Isn't this the opportunity many Christians live for, that chance to "convert the nonbeliever?" I guess I don't work that way. I've never felt I should push my religion on anybody else. I feel we all have the right to believe what we want even if it's nothing. All I ask in return is that they do the same. I have a coworker who is atheist but we're very respectful of each others choices. When I decided to go in to ministry I made sure she knew I wouldn't be all preachy at her and she assured me she wasn't worried and was excited for me in fact. I must be incredibly naive to think everyone would be that way. I feel personally hurt because my relationship with God is so personal. And I'm angry that this first person is so close minded that he can't see beyond his own emotions and opinions. I read the psalm he quoted and I can certainly understand where he's coming from. But dude, I didn't write the Bible and keep in mind this was written in ancient times for a group of people who felt nobody was on their side but God and needed to hear that. Maybe I should've said that? I don't know. For now I'll just back off. You can't win them all I guess.

Freak the Freak Out

Do you ever start doing some thing and not too long after you start you begin to wonder what the hell you're doing? Yeah, welcome to my life this past week. Let me start by saying a couple weeks ago, in fact the day I decided to go for the ministry, I was asked by a member of my congregation to preach with her on the 14th. I said yes, a little caught up in the first steps of my new life. Then reality started to set in, but I wasn't thinking too much about it because I had some time and I was pretty focused on my campus visit to Colgate. Then I sat in the Intro to Preaching class and as I listened to the students give their five minute sermons I started to mentally panic. They were all so good! So profound and deep and spirit-filled. How the heck could I write a sermon? Many of them had been preaching for a while, and even the ones that hadn't been had been sitting in that class for a couple months. Intimidated doesn't even begin to describe how I was feeling. Then I met with my fellow church goer later that same day to talk a little about the sermon and to look over the lectionary readings for that week in the church year. Couldn't I have gotten a nice easy reading (if there is such a thing)? So I kept reading over and over the scriptures and found myself being drawn to Mark 10:17-31. I'm now freaking out. I feel like I have no clue what I am doing. I have all these ideas and much like with the essays I would attempt to write in high school, I can't seem to boil them down. I finally came up with a title "God Makes the Impossible Possible" and the research began. I was/am still freaking out. I feel so unqualified. Who am I to stand in front of my congregation and start preaching to them? What do I know? Why should they listen to me? What if I'm boring? What if I talk to fast? What if I don't "prove" my points (another common note I got from those high school teachers grading my essays). And how am I going to make my thoughts last in a 15-18 minute sermon? Even in Intro to Preaching they only had to do a five minute sermon!!! I've been trying to take deep breaths and lift it up to God. After all, He's the one who kept pushing me to Mark and he's the one who helped me figure out what I wanted to preach on. But then I start wondering if that's even a good topic. Most of what I could find dealt with the idea that this passage is mostly about sacrifice and giving up your wealth to follow Jesus. And this is true, but I kept being drawn to the phrase: "For mortals it is impossible, but not for God; for God all things are possible." But now this idea of writing a sermon is my impossible. My camel through the eye of the needle. Does everyone feel like this before their first sermon? Before every sermon? I'm the type of person who only likes to do something if I can do it right. And well. This is one reason why I'm always scared to try new things. I don't like situations I'm not comfortable in. And I am really not comfortable right now. I know I'm probably putting too much pressure on myself but I can't help it. The predominant thought for me is "What if I suck?" By the way, if you're curious, the Bible passage I'm writing on is known as the parable of the rich man. In case you were wondering.

Right Where I Belong

wYesterday I had a campus visit at Colgate Rochester Crozer Divinity School where I'm looking to go to school. By the end of the day two words were forefront in my mind: overwhelmed and excited. Aside from the usual meeting with admissions and financial aid I had the opportunity to sit in on two classes and meet some students. The first class was Atonement and Forgiveness. Just as dense as you think it would be. I felt a little lost and intimidated when they were discussing the reading but when the questions and dialogue started I started to get excited This is what I want! The chance to learn and explore and talk to other people about what I'm learning! The second class was Intro to Preaching and the class was presenting five minute sermons. If that's not. That. I just tpok the next step intimidating.... But if those students are the future of the church then we're in good hands. At one point one of the students took me in to the chapel and had me go up and stand behind the pulpit. Looking out over the empty pews. I felt such a sense of something bigger than me I never thought in a million years my life would take me there but it doesn't matter because God knew. And I know Colgate is where I belong. Being around so many people who are so strong in their faith and open about talking about it is what I've been missing in my life. I also had the privilege and blessing to hear the new president of the school Dr McMickle preach at the chapel service and the only thing I can say is WOW. I'm still processing everything but I kno

I'll Stay Me

As I start these first steps on my new journey I am starting to find my all too human brain allowing the fears in. Not about my calling. Of that I'm certain. Of what other people will think when they hear. I know, I know, those who matter most will think it's awesome. And they do. But I can't help but wonder if some people on the periphery of my life will look at me different. Will make assumptions about me when they hear words like "ministry"or "divinity school. " I'm even embarrassed to admit TO the occasional stray thought, "who will want to date a woman who may be a pastor some day?" I'm not proud of any of this, but if I'm going to share all of this with you then I have to show all sides of what I'm going through. (And I have answered my last question with "the right man will" in case you were wondering) So let me assure you and me that most of me will be the same. I'll still list Supernatural as my favorite show on TV right now. I will still list country music as my favorite. I will still have a weakness for rom-coms and superhero movies. Nora Roberts will still be one of my favorite authors. I will often enjoy a glass or two of wine at the end of the day and cheer on the Buffalo Bills every Sunday. I will still believe that every person is important and deserving of God's love no matter their gender, race, sexuality, or beliefs. I know that on some level, however, I will change. Going through something like this how can I not? But I hope it will strengthen what's good in me and help me deal better with what's not. And who knows, maybe you all will change a little bit too. :)

One Giant Step For Summerkind

A week ago today I was sitting down to lunch with my pastor talking about a program my church is going through called New Beginnings. In a nutshell, our church is at a point in its life where something needs to change or it will die. Let me take a second to stress that it's not just my church but Church in general. Little did I know that this discussion would lead me to realize that I myself was at the doorstep of my own new beginning. Let me backtrack a moment. For the better part of 2012 I have been feeling stuck in my life. A promotion at work that had been practically promised to me was given to someone else. Work became stagnant. The relationship I was in ended. Money was getting tighter. As I approached my 34th birthday I struggled with feeling like I certainly wasn't where I thought I would be at this point in my life, nor was I where I wanted to be.All I knew was that I couldn't be in the same place a year from now. I knew SOMETHING. needed to change and I didn't know what. My prayers at night were pretty much me begging God to show me what that change was because I had absolutely no clue. Okay, I think we're caught up to last week now. In the course of lunch with Pastor Deb she asked me the question I had been asking myself for months: "What are you doing with your life?" I told her I was trying to figure that out. She then asked me, "Have you ever thought about ministry? " Truthfully I never had. That seemed like something for a person better than me or someone who had all the answers. But I started thinking about it, and then I couldn't stop thinking about it. I did an "unofficial poll" of family and friends and got a hugely positive response. The more I thought the more I liked the idea. If I truly felt an excitement to help lead and push the Church forward and a deep desire to LEARN, then why the heck not? And as I started leaning more and more to saying yes, one thought kept coming to me as I looked back at the past 34 years - God has been leading me here my whole life. I don't know where this journey will take me but I sure am excited. It will be a long and sometimes difficult process. If you are reading this then I like to think and hope you are cheering me on. Maybe you're just curious about the process. But we can learn and grow together.