Ain'a That Good News!?

If you're reading this you're probably already friends with me on Facebook and know this, but I received the call Wednesday morning: I got accepted in to Colgate! The question I've been getting asked most often after being told "Congratulations" is "Are you excited? How do you feel?" I know want to answer it.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about getting in to seminary. I'm not sure if that's normal or if it's just me. I'm not even sure what I thought I would feel. I will confess that while I felt pretty confident that I would get in I was already formulating the rough sketches of a backup plan. I think I maybe wanted to prepare myself and cushion the blow in case I was sent down a different path. And what can I say? Self esteem and self confidence are not exactly strong suits for me.

Of  course first and foremost I feel happiness and excitement. A huge step has been taken. This is the journey God is intending for me to take and it feels so right I don't know why it's taken me this long to reach here.

But I'm also scared. How am I going to pay for it? How do I even know I can do this? I haven't been in school in twelve years and even then it wasn't a typical school experience. What if I'm not smart enough? What if it's too overwhelming? What if I've got this all wrong?

I'm also sad, and this surprised me. Scared I can understand. Sad? This is a major life change. Even though I was dissatisfied with my life and felt like I was stuck on a treadmill, I at least had a vague idea of where my life is going or where I wanted it to go. I could create plans, goals, answer the "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" (Even if the answer was "Not here").But now? It's all a blank. My idea of what a normal life is is now gone. I know my "normal" is going to change. I know that's not bad. But everything that I thought I wanted is now changing. I feel like I have little to no control over what will come my way. And that scares me. A few months ago my life was about getting a promotion at work or maybe finding a new job and maybe meeting someone and getting married, deciding if I wanted kids or not, that sort of thing. Now I'm thinking about classes and the process the Presbytery will take me though and becoming a minister and running my own church.

So right now I'm processing. I'm sifting through the emotions and trying to hold on to the happiness and excitement and not let the fear and sadness take over. Believe me, this is a very good thing. I'm very happy to take this next step. I'm also glad I have eight or nine months to work through this and be comfortable with facing an unknown future.