August 26th, 2013 was my first day of school. I got closer and closer to Colgate and felt the nerves kicking in. Since I overestimated the amount of time it would take me to walk to school I had some time to kill before orientation started so I crossed the street to Highland Park to sit for a few minutes on what I like to think of as "my bench." I sat, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and prayed. Then I headed off to my first day of grad school/seminary.
So now here I am a few weeks later. And I still have mixed emotions when I'm here. And since I have about forty five minutes before class starts I will take some of this time to let you know where I'm at and how things are going.
I was hoping once I started classes some of the doubts and fears would go away. They haven't. Here's an example: yesterday in my Faith Seeking Understanding class we were asked to name our favorite theologian. Mentally my jaw dropped like a cartoon character. As student after student listed a person with no hesitation, most of whom I have never heard of, my mind continued to be stubbornly blank. The only person I could think of was Howard Thurman. Maybe because he was the first person I read that I would consider a theologian. Maybe it was just because the class I audited last semester was on him so he was the only name to pop in my head. But in that moment I felt like I was lacking or like I was behind everyone else when it came to theological knowledge. And there are a lot more moments like that. A discussion will be going on and students will be asking questions and it's clear they're further along in reading and studying than I am. It's not that I don't have questions or want to participate, but sometimes I'm just so busy taking things in and mulling them over that my voice can't be heard. And I'm a bit embarrassed to admit there's just so much I don't know. That's when I start asking God if He's sure He wants to call me to ministry. Isn't there someone else out there who knows so much more than me that would be better at this?
But on the other hand, there are just as many times when I feel like I am right where I belong. When something in class strikes something in me or when I'm listening to a great discussion around me. When I realize that I'm surrounded by people who share my faith and my desire to share that faith with others. In those moments I'm almost overwhelmed with so much joy and such a feeling of rightness that I have no doubt God has called the right person.
I'm starting to feel like I have my life balanced. Work and school and homework and church and social life and down time all seem to have their place. Instead of making me feel comfortable it almost scares me, like the other shoe is going to drop at some point and I'll be overwhelmed and start to resemble the painting "The Scream." But for now I'm going to enjoy this. I know there will be struggle ahead of me, both logistically with all the parts of my life and spiritually as I continue to build my relationship with God.
(Ask me in a few weeks when I'm doing my 18-20 page research paper if I still feel balanced.)
No comments:
Post a Comment