It is Monday December 9th. I am sitting in the library at school waiting for my last class of the semester to start. Yep, you read that right. Last class of the semester. I can't believe it. I can't even begin to tell you how fast the past few months have flown by.
Let me start by saying last week was probably the most stressful of the semester, despite my mini meltdown mid-October. Two major papers and a final will cause a girl to go a little crazy. Saturday night I finished the last of my homework. It was such a relief but I was so tired I'm not sure it fully processed. I think it still hasn't. It was so weird to get up Sunday morning and be able to read FOR FUN before church. This morning as well. My brain isn't quite sure what to do. For so long I've either been reading, writing, planning when I was going to read or write, or just plain thinking about homework that it seems odd to not be doing any of that. I'm not used to being able to have free time to just watch a TV show without feeling guilty because I'm not doing homework. Let me tell you, I will not miss the work at all!
That being said, I will miss school. I no longer feel intimidated by those around me or what I feel is my lack of knowledge or theological ideas. I've come to accept that where I am on the journey is where I'm supposed to be and if I knew it all then there would be no point to all of this. I've felt like a sponge the past few months, just soaking up and absorbing everything around me. I may not always contribute in class but I'm learning so much just by watching and listening. I can feel my relationship with God strengthening and I can feel my faith deepening. And it's such a cool feeling! I still may not have an answer when someone asks me "What do Presbyterians believe exactly?" so be prepared for that. But I'm starting to understand what I believe. I don't want to move forward with just blind faith. I'm tired of saying I believe something "just because." I fully embrace learning what goes behind the doctrine and the reasoning and the specifics. I know on some level faith is a mystery, but I still want to know more.
So here it is. End of the semester. I made it. My first semester of seminary. My first semester of grad school. I survived. I think I did pretty well. And after I enjoy a well deserved break, I can't wait to start the next one.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Reality Check?
I feel like I'm on a movie set. I'm sitting in the library at school right now, surrounded by books, other students dispersed randomly in wooden chairs at wooden tables with big lamps on them. Everyone has books or laptops out, doing homework, listening to music, or maybe like me checking their email.
But I'm not on a movie set. I'm at CRCDS. I'm waiting for my class to start. And I think it's about time to check in with everybody. I'm heading in to two weeks off of classes so as I transition from weekly classes and homework to preparing for papers due in two weeks, I figured it was time to take a deep breath and see how I feel as October starts.
Tired. I feel tired a lot of the time. Balancing work and school and homework drains a lot of my energy. But I also feel energized when I'm sitting in class taking notes or sitting on the bus reading next week's assignment. I'm absorbing so much that I can almost feel my faith and spirituality growing and deepening on a weekly, if not daily, basis. But I'm also struggling with reality. I may have a couple weeks off of classes, but I have a five page paper due in Faith Seeking Understanding where I have to discuss my point of view on a topic we have discussed so far this semester (I am writing on biblical interpretation). I have a five to six page paper due in Old Testament on the four sources of the Pentateuch and how they came together to form the Torah/First Five Books of the Old Testament. And I have to have a thesis statement, tentative outline, and bibliography on my research paper for Early and Medieval Church History (Augustine and his views on predestination versus free will, especially since he changed views from one to the other). I haven't written a paper in I couldn't tell you how long, especially one where I needed to include citations and footnotes and a bibliography. All I can think of is back in high school when teachers would tell me I didn't give them enough evidence to support my statements. What if that happens again now? What if I cite something incorrectly? What if I don't have enough to say on one of my papers? Sure, my one page reflection papers have received good remarks, but that's a one page reflection paper. And so on and so forth. I spend a lot of time alternating between freaking out and trying to calm myself down.
So I am trying to take deep breaths. Trying to tell myself that everything will be fine. I was a good student once, I will be again. That there must be other people feeling just as lost as I am. I try to remember to lift it up to God and ask Him/Her to help me with my papers. Or maybe just to give me the strength and confidence so when I go to write them I won't feel so lost.
And there it is. Where I'm at right now. And since class is going to start soon I am going to wrap this up. If you think of it, send good thoughts and energy my way over the next couple weeks. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'll try to check in when the assignments are done. Wish me luck!!
But I'm not on a movie set. I'm at CRCDS. I'm waiting for my class to start. And I think it's about time to check in with everybody. I'm heading in to two weeks off of classes so as I transition from weekly classes and homework to preparing for papers due in two weeks, I figured it was time to take a deep breath and see how I feel as October starts.
Tired. I feel tired a lot of the time. Balancing work and school and homework drains a lot of my energy. But I also feel energized when I'm sitting in class taking notes or sitting on the bus reading next week's assignment. I'm absorbing so much that I can almost feel my faith and spirituality growing and deepening on a weekly, if not daily, basis. But I'm also struggling with reality. I may have a couple weeks off of classes, but I have a five page paper due in Faith Seeking Understanding where I have to discuss my point of view on a topic we have discussed so far this semester (I am writing on biblical interpretation). I have a five to six page paper due in Old Testament on the four sources of the Pentateuch and how they came together to form the Torah/First Five Books of the Old Testament. And I have to have a thesis statement, tentative outline, and bibliography on my research paper for Early and Medieval Church History (Augustine and his views on predestination versus free will, especially since he changed views from one to the other). I haven't written a paper in I couldn't tell you how long, especially one where I needed to include citations and footnotes and a bibliography. All I can think of is back in high school when teachers would tell me I didn't give them enough evidence to support my statements. What if that happens again now? What if I cite something incorrectly? What if I don't have enough to say on one of my papers? Sure, my one page reflection papers have received good remarks, but that's a one page reflection paper. And so on and so forth. I spend a lot of time alternating between freaking out and trying to calm myself down.
So I am trying to take deep breaths. Trying to tell myself that everything will be fine. I was a good student once, I will be again. That there must be other people feeling just as lost as I am. I try to remember to lift it up to God and ask Him/Her to help me with my papers. Or maybe just to give me the strength and confidence so when I go to write them I won't feel so lost.
And there it is. Where I'm at right now. And since class is going to start soon I am going to wrap this up. If you think of it, send good thoughts and energy my way over the next couple weeks. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I'll try to check in when the assignments are done. Wish me luck!!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
These Days I'm Caught Somewhere Between A Cry And A Laugh
August 26th, 2013 was my first day of school. I got closer and closer to Colgate and felt the nerves kicking in. Since I overestimated the amount of time it would take me to walk to school I had some time to kill before orientation started so I crossed the street to Highland Park to sit for a few minutes on what I like to think of as "my bench." I sat, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and prayed. Then I headed off to my first day of grad school/seminary.
So now here I am a few weeks later. And I still have mixed emotions when I'm here. And since I have about forty five minutes before class starts I will take some of this time to let you know where I'm at and how things are going.
I was hoping once I started classes some of the doubts and fears would go away. They haven't. Here's an example: yesterday in my Faith Seeking Understanding class we were asked to name our favorite theologian. Mentally my jaw dropped like a cartoon character. As student after student listed a person with no hesitation, most of whom I have never heard of, my mind continued to be stubbornly blank. The only person I could think of was Howard Thurman. Maybe because he was the first person I read that I would consider a theologian. Maybe it was just because the class I audited last semester was on him so he was the only name to pop in my head. But in that moment I felt like I was lacking or like I was behind everyone else when it came to theological knowledge. And there are a lot more moments like that. A discussion will be going on and students will be asking questions and it's clear they're further along in reading and studying than I am. It's not that I don't have questions or want to participate, but sometimes I'm just so busy taking things in and mulling them over that my voice can't be heard. And I'm a bit embarrassed to admit there's just so much I don't know. That's when I start asking God if He's sure He wants to call me to ministry. Isn't there someone else out there who knows so much more than me that would be better at this?
But on the other hand, there are just as many times when I feel like I am right where I belong. When something in class strikes something in me or when I'm listening to a great discussion around me. When I realize that I'm surrounded by people who share my faith and my desire to share that faith with others. In those moments I'm almost overwhelmed with so much joy and such a feeling of rightness that I have no doubt God has called the right person.
I'm starting to feel like I have my life balanced. Work and school and homework and church and social life and down time all seem to have their place. Instead of making me feel comfortable it almost scares me, like the other shoe is going to drop at some point and I'll be overwhelmed and start to resemble the painting "The Scream." But for now I'm going to enjoy this. I know there will be struggle ahead of me, both logistically with all the parts of my life and spiritually as I continue to build my relationship with God.
(Ask me in a few weeks when I'm doing my 18-20 page research paper if I still feel balanced.)
So now here I am a few weeks later. And I still have mixed emotions when I'm here. And since I have about forty five minutes before class starts I will take some of this time to let you know where I'm at and how things are going.
I was hoping once I started classes some of the doubts and fears would go away. They haven't. Here's an example: yesterday in my Faith Seeking Understanding class we were asked to name our favorite theologian. Mentally my jaw dropped like a cartoon character. As student after student listed a person with no hesitation, most of whom I have never heard of, my mind continued to be stubbornly blank. The only person I could think of was Howard Thurman. Maybe because he was the first person I read that I would consider a theologian. Maybe it was just because the class I audited last semester was on him so he was the only name to pop in my head. But in that moment I felt like I was lacking or like I was behind everyone else when it came to theological knowledge. And there are a lot more moments like that. A discussion will be going on and students will be asking questions and it's clear they're further along in reading and studying than I am. It's not that I don't have questions or want to participate, but sometimes I'm just so busy taking things in and mulling them over that my voice can't be heard. And I'm a bit embarrassed to admit there's just so much I don't know. That's when I start asking God if He's sure He wants to call me to ministry. Isn't there someone else out there who knows so much more than me that would be better at this?
But on the other hand, there are just as many times when I feel like I am right where I belong. When something in class strikes something in me or when I'm listening to a great discussion around me. When I realize that I'm surrounded by people who share my faith and my desire to share that faith with others. In those moments I'm almost overwhelmed with so much joy and such a feeling of rightness that I have no doubt God has called the right person.
I'm starting to feel like I have my life balanced. Work and school and homework and church and social life and down time all seem to have their place. Instead of making me feel comfortable it almost scares me, like the other shoe is going to drop at some point and I'll be overwhelmed and start to resemble the painting "The Scream." But for now I'm going to enjoy this. I know there will be struggle ahead of me, both logistically with all the parts of my life and spiritually as I continue to build my relationship with God.
(Ask me in a few weeks when I'm doing my 18-20 page research paper if I still feel balanced.)
Sunday, August 11, 2013
What Is Faith....?
I hadn't realized how long it's been until I saw the date of my last post!!! But rest assured, with school starting in a couple weeks I bet I'll have more to talk about.
Anyway, with our pastor at my church being on vacation for three weeks this summer I was asked by our worship committee if I would step in one of the Sunday's and preach. Of course I said yes and then shoved it to the back of my mind for a few months until suddenly it was August. Unlike the last time when all I had to do was come up with a sermon, this time I was going to create the whole service. And if that wasn't intimidating enough, the scripture I chose to preach on dealt with the ginormous topic of faith. I was so overwhelmed with this daunting prospect that I didn't start writing my sermon until Thursday, just a few days before I was supposed to preach it. I kept thinking, "Who am I to be telling these people what faith is?" But, just like the last time, once I sat down and started writing I was able to get it done in just a few hours over two nights.
So this morning was my day to preach. I got through it, even though I was picking out the hymns about fifteen minutes before the service was going to start. I got some great feedback from the congregation afterwards, some good and some constructive (like I talk too fast, something I've always struggled with). But it feels good to have another sermon under my belt and to have actually constructed an entire service for the first time ever. I don't know if preaching from a pulpit every Sunday is where I'm headed. Only God knows. But I'll keep doing it as long as He wants me to.
I have had a few requests from people who didn't attend the service to read my sermon. So here it is folks. Happy reading!
What Is Faith.....?
Well, only I would decide to tackle the enormous topic of Faith on my second sermon ever. I should probably put out a disclaimer that I make no guarantees that I will answer this question "what is faith" for you. I'm not even sure I can answer it for myself. But I'm willing to go exploring a bit if you are. I kind of thought I would do our emerging wisdom discussion as part of my sermon today. So I'm going to turn this over to all of you for a few minutes. What do you think faith is, or what does the word faith mean to you? (Allow for several minutes of discussion. Hopefully)
According to the dictionary on Bing.com, Faith is "1. belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof. 2. Religion or religious group: a system of religious belief, or the group of people who adhere to it. 3. Trust in God: belief in and devotion to God. Synonyms: confidence, trust, reliance, conviction, belief, assurance." In Islam we're told "Imam (faith)... is to believe in Allah, His angels, His books, His messengers, and the Last Day, and to believe in divine destiny, both the good and the evil thereof." Jainism says "Without faith there is no knowledge, without knowledge there is no virtuous conduct, without virtues there is no deliverance, and without deliverance there is no perfection (Nirvana)." And for a more in-depth explanation, Buddhism says "There are four kinds of faith. The first is the faith in the Ultimate Source. Because of this faith a man comes to meditate with joy on the principle of Suchness. The second is the faith in the numberless excellent qualitites of the Buddhas. Because of this faith a man comes to meditate on them always, to draw near to them in fellowship, to honor them, and to respect them, developing his capacity for goodness and seeking after the all-embracing knowledge. The third is the faith in the great benefits of the Dharma. Because of this faith a man comes constantly to remember and practice the various disciplines leading to enlightenment. The fourth is the faith in the Sangha, whose members are able to devote themselves to the practice of benefitting both themselves and others. Beause of this faith a man comes to approach the assembly of Bodhisattvas constantly and with joy to seek instruction from them in the correct practice." Does your brain hurt yet? Mine sure does. There's a reason I struggled with writing this this past week! As someone who feels like they're still wrestling and struggling with the faith part of their journey this has been overwhelming. Time for another disclaimer: my belief is not what I struggle with. In fact I can't remember a time when I haven't believed in God. But it's only really been in the last couple years that I've started exploring and acknowledging the "faith" part of my journey. So rest assured, if you feel like you don't have it figured out you're not alone.
I was recently reading a book my mom had given me for my birthday about a year ago called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. In it he says "The goofy thing about Christian faith is that you believe it and don't believe it at the same time. It isn't unlike having an imaginary friend. I believe in Jesus; I believe He is the Son of God, but every time I sit down to explain this to somebody I feel like a palm reader, like somebody who works at a circus or a kid who is always making things up or somebody at a Star Trek convention who hasn't figured out the show isn't real.
Until.
When one of my friends becomes a Christian, which happens about every ten years because I am such a sheep about sharing my faith, the experience is euphoric. I see in their eyes the trueness of the story." I think this illustrates it perfectly. It's easy to say "I believe in God." Then somebody asks you why. And kind of like a parent of a two year old you can only respond with "Because." Faith is that because. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. It just has to be.
Jesus probably sums it up quite nicely for us in John 6:28-29: "Then they said to him, 'What must we do to perform the works of God?' Jesus answered them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." That you believe in him whom he has sent. Seems pretty easy, and incredibly difficult at the same time. The passage continues with the Jews asking Jesus to give them a sign or perform a miracle so that they will know they should believe in him. But if you look again at what Jesus says, he doesn't say believe in me after I've done this this and this. Oh and that. All he wants us to do is believe in him. Pretty easy. Pretty difficult. Like the Jews we keep looking for the proof or even the catch. Come on, Jesus, surely there has to be more to it than that! Just believe? We don't have to do anything more than that? We don't have to run out and start doing "things" or works. (I won't go too much in to that. Another sermon for another time.) He doesn't say give money here or pray there or do this at home. Just believe in him and that is "the work." But in believing, we now hold ourselves to a higher standard than those who don't believe. By saying that we believe in Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit we now have something higher to aspire to. If nothing else, the only "work"we have to do is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Again, pretty easy and pretty difficult. As Christians we feel that we need to see Jesus in everyone around us. That's pretty easy to do sitting in here on a Sunday morning. Not so easy to do when you walk out of here. It's not so easy to love that person who just cut you off in traffic. It's not so easy to love the neighbor with the kids who are screaming and yelling at all hours. It's not so easy to love that classmate who's been talking about you behind your back. It's not so easy to love the person at work who has spent the past five minutes talking down to you. It's not so easy to love that family member who broke your heart. And that's why faith is difficult. Because we're supposed to love all those people. Even when we really really don't want to. And that's why faith is so hard to define, so hard to explain to other people. Again, I turn to Donald Miller and Blue Like Jazz. He sums it up like this: "I had no explanation for Laura. I don't think there is an explanation. My belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific, and yet there was nothing I could do to separate myself from this belief. I think Laura was looking for something rational, because she believed that all things that were true were rational. But that isn't the case. Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been in love, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Neither can beauty. Light cannot be proved scientifically, and yet we all believe in light and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that don't make any sense. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn't. He will make no more sense to me than I will make sense to an ant."
You can bet God wasn't making sense to Abraham. As today's reading from Hebrews reminds us, God asked an awful lot of him that didn't seem very logical. But because Abraham had faith, because he believed, he did what was asked of him. He trusted that God was leading him to the land he belonged to, even if he had no idea where it was. It didn't make sense that a couple the age of Abraham and Sarah would have a child, yet they did. How many times in our lives have we found ourselves in similar predicaments where it seemed God was pushing us somewhere we weren't sure we even wanted to go? Somehwere we never thought we would go? All we could do was sit back and try to enjoy the ride. Because we had faith. Because we have faith we're willing to throw up our hands and say "Okay, God, do your best because I haven't a clue." We're willing to believe there is a better place out there for us, whether here on this earth or somewhere beyond it. We're willing to believe that things that shouldn't happen can and do. We're willing to believe that God sent Jesus down for us. That is faith.
One thing I haven't done yet is to tell you what I think faith is. I think one reason why I was drawn to this text in Hebrews is because it resonated with me. Faith is nothing I can prove. Faith allows me to believe that things will turn out allright in the end, even if I can't see it. It's what allows me to keep pushing forward even when it seems like everything in my life is crashing down on my head. It's what allows me to keep hoping and dreaming and waiting. It's what I use to pick myself up when I feel down. Some days it's what puts that extra spring in my step. I'm not sure if faith is what allows me to believe or if belief allows me to have faith, but I know that as I continue on in my spiritual journey the two become even more entwined. Faith, for me, is as simple and complex as all of that.
I have one last quote to leave you with today. I know, another quote. But this is a good one to mull over this next week and as we move forward as a community, remembering ultimately that faith is what brings and keeps us together. It is Martin Luther's Definition of Faith: An excerpt from "An Introduction to St. Paul's Letter to the Romans," Luther's German Bible of 1522 by Martin Luther, 1483-1546 Translated by Rev. Robert E. Smith from DR. MARTIN LUTHER'S VERMISCHTE DEUTSCHE SCHRIFTEN.
Faith is not what some people think it is. Their human dream is a delusion. Because they observe that faith is not followed by good works or a better life, they fall into error, even though they speak and hear much about faith. ``Faith is not enough,'' they say, ``You must do good works, you must be pious to be saved.'' They think that, when you hear the gospel, you start working, creating by your own strength a thankful heart which says, ``I believe.'' That is what they think true faith is. But, because this is a human idea, a dream, the heart never learns anything from it, so it does nothing and reform doesn't come from this `faith,' either. Instead, faith is God's work in us, that changes us and gives new birth from God. (John 1:13). It kills the Old Adam and makes us completely different people. It changes our hearts, our spirits, our thoughts and all our powers. It brings the Holy Spirit with it. Yes, it is a living, creative, active and powerful thing, this faith. Faith cannot help doing good works constantly. It doesn't stop to ask if good works ought to be done, but before anyone asks, it already has done them and continues to do them without ceasing. Anyone who does not do good works in this manner is an unbeliever. He stumbles around and looks for faith and good works, even though he does not know what faith or good works are. Yet he gossips and chatters about faith and good works with many words.
Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it. Such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy, joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who has shown you such grace. Thus, it is just as impossible to separate faith and works as it is to separate heat and light from fire! Therefore, watch out for your own false ideas and guard against good-for-nothing gossips, who think they're smart enough to define faith and works, but really are the greatest of fools. Ask God to work faith in you, or you will remain forever without faith, no matter what you wish, say or can do.
Amen.
Anyway, with our pastor at my church being on vacation for three weeks this summer I was asked by our worship committee if I would step in one of the Sunday's and preach. Of course I said yes and then shoved it to the back of my mind for a few months until suddenly it was August. Unlike the last time when all I had to do was come up with a sermon, this time I was going to create the whole service. And if that wasn't intimidating enough, the scripture I chose to preach on dealt with the ginormous topic of faith. I was so overwhelmed with this daunting prospect that I didn't start writing my sermon until Thursday, just a few days before I was supposed to preach it. I kept thinking, "Who am I to be telling these people what faith is?" But, just like the last time, once I sat down and started writing I was able to get it done in just a few hours over two nights.
So this morning was my day to preach. I got through it, even though I was picking out the hymns about fifteen minutes before the service was going to start. I got some great feedback from the congregation afterwards, some good and some constructive (like I talk too fast, something I've always struggled with). But it feels good to have another sermon under my belt and to have actually constructed an entire service for the first time ever. I don't know if preaching from a pulpit every Sunday is where I'm headed. Only God knows. But I'll keep doing it as long as He wants me to.
I have had a few requests from people who didn't attend the service to read my sermon. So here it is folks. Happy reading!
What Is Faith.....?
Well, only I would decide to tackle the enormous topic of Faith on my second sermon ever. I should probably put out a disclaimer that I make no guarantees that I will answer this question "what is faith" for you. I'm not even sure I can answer it for myself. But I'm willing to go exploring a bit if you are. I kind of thought I would do our emerging wisdom discussion as part of my sermon today. So I'm going to turn this over to all of you for a few minutes. What do you think faith is, or what does the word faith mean to you? (Allow for several minutes of discussion. Hopefully)
According to the dictionary on Bing.com, Faith is "1. belief or trust: belief in, devotion to, or trust in somebody or something, especially without logical proof. 2. Religion or religious group: a system of religious belief, or the group of people who adhere to it. 3. Trust in God: belief in and devotion to God. Synonyms: confidence, trust, reliance, conviction, belief, assurance." In Islam we're told "Imam (faith)... is to believe in Allah, His angels, His books, His messengers, and the Last Day, and to believe in divine destiny, both the good and the evil thereof." Jainism says "Without faith there is no knowledge, without knowledge there is no virtuous conduct, without virtues there is no deliverance, and without deliverance there is no perfection (Nirvana)." And for a more in-depth explanation, Buddhism says "There are four kinds of faith. The first is the faith in the Ultimate Source. Because of this faith a man comes to meditate with joy on the principle of Suchness. The second is the faith in the numberless excellent qualitites of the Buddhas. Because of this faith a man comes to meditate on them always, to draw near to them in fellowship, to honor them, and to respect them, developing his capacity for goodness and seeking after the all-embracing knowledge. The third is the faith in the great benefits of the Dharma. Because of this faith a man comes constantly to remember and practice the various disciplines leading to enlightenment. The fourth is the faith in the Sangha, whose members are able to devote themselves to the practice of benefitting both themselves and others. Beause of this faith a man comes to approach the assembly of Bodhisattvas constantly and with joy to seek instruction from them in the correct practice." Does your brain hurt yet? Mine sure does. There's a reason I struggled with writing this this past week! As someone who feels like they're still wrestling and struggling with the faith part of their journey this has been overwhelming. Time for another disclaimer: my belief is not what I struggle with. In fact I can't remember a time when I haven't believed in God. But it's only really been in the last couple years that I've started exploring and acknowledging the "faith" part of my journey. So rest assured, if you feel like you don't have it figured out you're not alone.
I was recently reading a book my mom had given me for my birthday about a year ago called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. In it he says "The goofy thing about Christian faith is that you believe it and don't believe it at the same time. It isn't unlike having an imaginary friend. I believe in Jesus; I believe He is the Son of God, but every time I sit down to explain this to somebody I feel like a palm reader, like somebody who works at a circus or a kid who is always making things up or somebody at a Star Trek convention who hasn't figured out the show isn't real.
Until.
When one of my friends becomes a Christian, which happens about every ten years because I am such a sheep about sharing my faith, the experience is euphoric. I see in their eyes the trueness of the story." I think this illustrates it perfectly. It's easy to say "I believe in God." Then somebody asks you why. And kind of like a parent of a two year old you can only respond with "Because." Faith is that because. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. It just has to be.
Jesus probably sums it up quite nicely for us in John 6:28-29: "Then they said to him, 'What must we do to perform the works of God?' Jesus answered them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." That you believe in him whom he has sent. Seems pretty easy, and incredibly difficult at the same time. The passage continues with the Jews asking Jesus to give them a sign or perform a miracle so that they will know they should believe in him. But if you look again at what Jesus says, he doesn't say believe in me after I've done this this and this. Oh and that. All he wants us to do is believe in him. Pretty easy. Pretty difficult. Like the Jews we keep looking for the proof or even the catch. Come on, Jesus, surely there has to be more to it than that! Just believe? We don't have to do anything more than that? We don't have to run out and start doing "things" or works. (I won't go too much in to that. Another sermon for another time.) He doesn't say give money here or pray there or do this at home. Just believe in him and that is "the work." But in believing, we now hold ourselves to a higher standard than those who don't believe. By saying that we believe in Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit we now have something higher to aspire to. If nothing else, the only "work"we have to do is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. Again, pretty easy and pretty difficult. As Christians we feel that we need to see Jesus in everyone around us. That's pretty easy to do sitting in here on a Sunday morning. Not so easy to do when you walk out of here. It's not so easy to love that person who just cut you off in traffic. It's not so easy to love the neighbor with the kids who are screaming and yelling at all hours. It's not so easy to love that classmate who's been talking about you behind your back. It's not so easy to love the person at work who has spent the past five minutes talking down to you. It's not so easy to love that family member who broke your heart. And that's why faith is difficult. Because we're supposed to love all those people. Even when we really really don't want to. And that's why faith is so hard to define, so hard to explain to other people. Again, I turn to Donald Miller and Blue Like Jazz. He sums it up like this: "I had no explanation for Laura. I don't think there is an explanation. My belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific, and yet there was nothing I could do to separate myself from this belief. I think Laura was looking for something rational, because she believed that all things that were true were rational. But that isn't the case. Love, for example, is a true emotion, but it is not rational. What I mean is, people actually feel it. I have been in love, plenty of people have been in love, yet love cannot be proved scientifically. Neither can beauty. Light cannot be proved scientifically, and yet we all believe in light and by light see all things. There are plenty of things that are true that don't make any sense. I think one of the problems Laura was having was that she wanted God to make sense. He doesn't. He will make no more sense to me than I will make sense to an ant."
You can bet God wasn't making sense to Abraham. As today's reading from Hebrews reminds us, God asked an awful lot of him that didn't seem very logical. But because Abraham had faith, because he believed, he did what was asked of him. He trusted that God was leading him to the land he belonged to, even if he had no idea where it was. It didn't make sense that a couple the age of Abraham and Sarah would have a child, yet they did. How many times in our lives have we found ourselves in similar predicaments where it seemed God was pushing us somewhere we weren't sure we even wanted to go? Somehwere we never thought we would go? All we could do was sit back and try to enjoy the ride. Because we had faith. Because we have faith we're willing to throw up our hands and say "Okay, God, do your best because I haven't a clue." We're willing to believe there is a better place out there for us, whether here on this earth or somewhere beyond it. We're willing to believe that things that shouldn't happen can and do. We're willing to believe that God sent Jesus down for us. That is faith.
One thing I haven't done yet is to tell you what I think faith is. I think one reason why I was drawn to this text in Hebrews is because it resonated with me. Faith is nothing I can prove. Faith allows me to believe that things will turn out allright in the end, even if I can't see it. It's what allows me to keep pushing forward even when it seems like everything in my life is crashing down on my head. It's what allows me to keep hoping and dreaming and waiting. It's what I use to pick myself up when I feel down. Some days it's what puts that extra spring in my step. I'm not sure if faith is what allows me to believe or if belief allows me to have faith, but I know that as I continue on in my spiritual journey the two become even more entwined. Faith, for me, is as simple and complex as all of that.
I have one last quote to leave you with today. I know, another quote. But this is a good one to mull over this next week and as we move forward as a community, remembering ultimately that faith is what brings and keeps us together. It is Martin Luther's Definition of Faith: An excerpt from "An Introduction to St. Paul's Letter to the Romans," Luther's German Bible of 1522 by Martin Luther, 1483-1546 Translated by Rev. Robert E. Smith from DR. MARTIN LUTHER'S VERMISCHTE DEUTSCHE SCHRIFTEN.
Faith is not what some people think it is. Their human dream is a delusion. Because they observe that faith is not followed by good works or a better life, they fall into error, even though they speak and hear much about faith. ``Faith is not enough,'' they say, ``You must do good works, you must be pious to be saved.'' They think that, when you hear the gospel, you start working, creating by your own strength a thankful heart which says, ``I believe.'' That is what they think true faith is. But, because this is a human idea, a dream, the heart never learns anything from it, so it does nothing and reform doesn't come from this `faith,' either. Instead, faith is God's work in us, that changes us and gives new birth from God. (John 1:13). It kills the Old Adam and makes us completely different people. It changes our hearts, our spirits, our thoughts and all our powers. It brings the Holy Spirit with it. Yes, it is a living, creative, active and powerful thing, this faith. Faith cannot help doing good works constantly. It doesn't stop to ask if good works ought to be done, but before anyone asks, it already has done them and continues to do them without ceasing. Anyone who does not do good works in this manner is an unbeliever. He stumbles around and looks for faith and good works, even though he does not know what faith or good works are. Yet he gossips and chatters about faith and good works with many words.
Faith is a living, bold trust in God's grace, so certain of God's favor that it would risk death a thousand times trusting in it. Such confidence and knowledge of God's grace makes you happy, joyful and bold in your relationship to God and all creatures. The Holy Spirit makes this happen through faith. Because of it, you freely, willingly and joyfully do good to everyone, serve everyone, suffer all kinds of things, love and praise the God who has shown you such grace. Thus, it is just as impossible to separate faith and works as it is to separate heat and light from fire! Therefore, watch out for your own false ideas and guard against good-for-nothing gossips, who think they're smart enough to define faith and works, but really are the greatest of fools. Ask God to work faith in you, or you will remain forever without faith, no matter what you wish, say or can do.
Amen.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Living With Doubt
I know we all have doubts about who we are and what we're doing in our lives. We all wonder about paths not taken and are we really where we're supposed to be. I believe we all end up where we're supposed to be, even if by free will we sometimes take the long way there. I believe God has called me to do His work, that everything I have done in my life has led me to this spot right here. But man do I question that sometimes!!!!
In my class on Monday my professor said something to the effect of ministry being the one profession he could think of where you feel a calling to do it but feel like a failure most of the time. I was so happy to hear that!!! In the months since I heard my calling, I have gone back and forth on whether or not this is really and truly what I want to do. Although I guess if it's a calling it's not necessarily whether or not I want to do it so much as I have to do it. But it always seems like just when that thought is sitting comfortably with me something comes along that makes me doubt myself. That makes me doubt what I'm doing is the right thing. Who am I to think that I can guide people along their journeys? Who am I to think that I can answer others questions when I have so many of my own? You get the idea. To give an example: Easter Sunday in church we were doing our congregational discussion part of the service and talking about what Easter meant for us as a child and what it means for us now. I raised my hand, took the microphone, and took a deep breath. I told them that a few years ago in a book study we were doing on the book The Last Week by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan the question was raised on whether or not we really and truly believe that Jesus was raised from the dead three days after his crucifixion. I said at the time that I didn't know if I believed it because I deep down believed it or whether I believed it because that's how I was raised. I still don't know to this day. And I admitted that, as a person going in to ministry, on Easter Sunday, in church. Not easy to do, but I felt it had to be said. Yes, you read that right. An idea that sits at the core of being a Christian, and I don't know what I believe about it. I was sitting in fellowship hour after church when a woman named Lindsey came up to me. She graduated from Colgate and has preached at our church before. Her mother is a retired pastor who has recently started coming to our church. And Lindsey told me basically that I am not alone. That she has doubts all the time and questions and that it is completely 100% okay that I do to. My pastor spoke to me after church when we on our way to Easter lunch/dinner. She said that Jane, Lindsey's mother, and her were talking about this very dilemma years ago. Jane asked Pastor Deb a question: "Do you believe the tomb was empty?" Deb said "Yes." Jane replied, "Then that's all you need to know." So maybe on that particular topic, that really is all I need to know. I may not know how Jesus got from dying on the cross to the tomb being empty, but I believe it was empty.
Let me be clear, my faith is never anything I question. I believe in God. I always have, I always will. I believe God is calling me to ministry, that for some reason He wants me to help spread His word. Of those two things I have absolutely no doubt. It's all the fine details that get my mind spinning. But I'm reminded constantly that faith isn't and can't be defined. Once we think we have all the answers we in truth have none of the answers. Part of having faith is the mystery of it. I've never believed we here on earth have it right. I don't think we can. We're human. Maybe it's my job to constantly question and wonder so I will be able to show others that questioning and wondering is, quite possibly, what God wants. Maybe He doesn't want us to just sit back and accept things at face value. Maybe He wants us to keep engaging with Him. Maybe that's all part of the relationship we have with God.
One other thing I am positive about: the more I do this the more I will question. You will probably get annoyed with hearing me freak out about everything. But this also means I will be learning, and probably will never stop learning. I can only speak for my journey, for what I am going through in my life. But maybe in some small way, I can help you as well. I'm going to leave you with a quote from one of my favorite Dierks Bentley songs. The song is a love song, yes, but I think it's appropriate for how I feel about a lot of what's going on in my life right now, including this whole spiritual journey.
"So maybe you could walk with me a while, and maybe I could rest inside your smile, Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold "Cause it's a long trip alone."
In my class on Monday my professor said something to the effect of ministry being the one profession he could think of where you feel a calling to do it but feel like a failure most of the time. I was so happy to hear that!!! In the months since I heard my calling, I have gone back and forth on whether or not this is really and truly what I want to do. Although I guess if it's a calling it's not necessarily whether or not I want to do it so much as I have to do it. But it always seems like just when that thought is sitting comfortably with me something comes along that makes me doubt myself. That makes me doubt what I'm doing is the right thing. Who am I to think that I can guide people along their journeys? Who am I to think that I can answer others questions when I have so many of my own? You get the idea. To give an example: Easter Sunday in church we were doing our congregational discussion part of the service and talking about what Easter meant for us as a child and what it means for us now. I raised my hand, took the microphone, and took a deep breath. I told them that a few years ago in a book study we were doing on the book The Last Week by Marcus Borg and John Dominic Crossan the question was raised on whether or not we really and truly believe that Jesus was raised from the dead three days after his crucifixion. I said at the time that I didn't know if I believed it because I deep down believed it or whether I believed it because that's how I was raised. I still don't know to this day. And I admitted that, as a person going in to ministry, on Easter Sunday, in church. Not easy to do, but I felt it had to be said. Yes, you read that right. An idea that sits at the core of being a Christian, and I don't know what I believe about it. I was sitting in fellowship hour after church when a woman named Lindsey came up to me. She graduated from Colgate and has preached at our church before. Her mother is a retired pastor who has recently started coming to our church. And Lindsey told me basically that I am not alone. That she has doubts all the time and questions and that it is completely 100% okay that I do to. My pastor spoke to me after church when we on our way to Easter lunch/dinner. She said that Jane, Lindsey's mother, and her were talking about this very dilemma years ago. Jane asked Pastor Deb a question: "Do you believe the tomb was empty?" Deb said "Yes." Jane replied, "Then that's all you need to know." So maybe on that particular topic, that really is all I need to know. I may not know how Jesus got from dying on the cross to the tomb being empty, but I believe it was empty.
Let me be clear, my faith is never anything I question. I believe in God. I always have, I always will. I believe God is calling me to ministry, that for some reason He wants me to help spread His word. Of those two things I have absolutely no doubt. It's all the fine details that get my mind spinning. But I'm reminded constantly that faith isn't and can't be defined. Once we think we have all the answers we in truth have none of the answers. Part of having faith is the mystery of it. I've never believed we here on earth have it right. I don't think we can. We're human. Maybe it's my job to constantly question and wonder so I will be able to show others that questioning and wondering is, quite possibly, what God wants. Maybe He doesn't want us to just sit back and accept things at face value. Maybe He wants us to keep engaging with Him. Maybe that's all part of the relationship we have with God.
One other thing I am positive about: the more I do this the more I will question. You will probably get annoyed with hearing me freak out about everything. But this also means I will be learning, and probably will never stop learning. I can only speak for my journey, for what I am going through in my life. But maybe in some small way, I can help you as well. I'm going to leave you with a quote from one of my favorite Dierks Bentley songs. The song is a love song, yes, but I think it's appropriate for how I feel about a lot of what's going on in my life right now, including this whole spiritual journey.
"So maybe you could walk with me a while, and maybe I could rest inside your smile, Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold "Cause it's a long trip alone."
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Quick backstory/exposition: After getting in to Colgate and realizing I had to defer enrollment for a semester, the opportunity arose for me to audit a class. I picked Thurman, King & Life of the Spirit. This class will explore the writings of Howard Thurman and Martin Luther King Jr and their spiritual journeys.
I realize this blog started out as a journey in to ministry, but I also will be using it as a blog for my spiritual journey. One could argue they are one and the same I suppose.I don't promise that these blogs will make sense. I may ramble. I may go off on a tangent. I may contradict myself. But this is a way to purge what's going on and to share with those of you reading this what this journey is like. Everyone's journey is different, but this is mine. I'm realizing that going in to seminary is going to raise more questions than it answers, but I'm also realizing that is an incredibly good thing. A point made by my professor last night in class, and one I had heard before most recently when Dr. McMickle preached at the first chapel service I attended at Colgate, is that if we claim to understand God completely and make him as small as us, then aren't we doing Him a disservice? Basically, if I feel 100% confident in my faith and beliefs then maybe I'm making it too easy for myself. But that's a blog for another day.
Let me get back to class and one poins it's got mulling around in my head today. I had never heard of Howard Thurman, if I must be honest. So when I did the reading for this week it was with no prior knowledge or preconceived notions of this man and what he did. During the discussion in class we talked about prayer. Thurman talks a lot about preparing ourselves for prayer and finding a quiet center, whenever and wherever that may be for you individually. When he gets in to intercessory prayer and how we pray for our loved ones because we have to out of our love for them and our love for God, it all gave me pause. As I was getting ready for bed last night I started to wonder: Am I praying wrong? I tend to pray in the shower as I'm getting ready in the morning and at night as I lay down to go to sleep. These are the two times of day where I'm not focused so much on the rest of the day or distracted by the TV or a book, but I don't do much more preparation than that. I just sort of start talking. I wonder what it would be like if I took a little more time to mentally and spiritually prepare myself for a conversation with God? How much closer would I feel? And then I got a little embarrassed when I realized a lot of my praying is selfish. Clarity in my life, or being shown what sort of path I should be taking, that sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, when someone close to me needs it I do pray for them. But I find it almost easy to let it go after a few days, not because I don't feel they need it, but because I forget and I let myself get in the way. I guess it sort of stems back to that first part about preparing myself. I don't have a solution nor am I really looking for one. I just wanted to share that this is something I am now struggling with. Let me share here the passage about intercessory prayer that has really been a bit of a wake-up call for me. For my purposes it can be found in the book Howard Thurman: Essential Writings edited by Luther Smith, Jr. on page 58:
"The question of the effectiveness of intercessory prayer does not belong in the experience of the man who prays for his friend-- it is his care that is poured out when he is most conscious of being cared for himself. When the hunger for God becomes articulate in a man so that it is one with his initial experience of God, it is the most natural thing in the world to share whatever his concerns may be. A man prays for loved ones because he has to, not merely because his prayer may accomplish something beyond this."
I've been working this past year to build a much more personal relationship with God, and particularly Him in the form of Jesus. This has sort of shown me I have a ways to go, but it has also shown me one of the not-so-simple simple steps I can take. I want to try to look at praying as a conversation, as if Jesus and I were just sitting on the couch enjoying some wine and hanging out like friends. I've always approached it as more of a heirarchy relationship, almost like He's my boss and it's time for a weekly review of my job performance and He's asking me "What could I be doing for you?" So this is my challenge to myself: rethink how I pray. Try a different approach. See what happens.
I realize this blog started out as a journey in to ministry, but I also will be using it as a blog for my spiritual journey. One could argue they are one and the same I suppose.I don't promise that these blogs will make sense. I may ramble. I may go off on a tangent. I may contradict myself. But this is a way to purge what's going on and to share with those of you reading this what this journey is like. Everyone's journey is different, but this is mine. I'm realizing that going in to seminary is going to raise more questions than it answers, but I'm also realizing that is an incredibly good thing. A point made by my professor last night in class, and one I had heard before most recently when Dr. McMickle preached at the first chapel service I attended at Colgate, is that if we claim to understand God completely and make him as small as us, then aren't we doing Him a disservice? Basically, if I feel 100% confident in my faith and beliefs then maybe I'm making it too easy for myself. But that's a blog for another day.
Let me get back to class and one poins it's got mulling around in my head today. I had never heard of Howard Thurman, if I must be honest. So when I did the reading for this week it was with no prior knowledge or preconceived notions of this man and what he did. During the discussion in class we talked about prayer. Thurman talks a lot about preparing ourselves for prayer and finding a quiet center, whenever and wherever that may be for you individually. When he gets in to intercessory prayer and how we pray for our loved ones because we have to out of our love for them and our love for God, it all gave me pause. As I was getting ready for bed last night I started to wonder: Am I praying wrong? I tend to pray in the shower as I'm getting ready in the morning and at night as I lay down to go to sleep. These are the two times of day where I'm not focused so much on the rest of the day or distracted by the TV or a book, but I don't do much more preparation than that. I just sort of start talking. I wonder what it would be like if I took a little more time to mentally and spiritually prepare myself for a conversation with God? How much closer would I feel? And then I got a little embarrassed when I realized a lot of my praying is selfish. Clarity in my life, or being shown what sort of path I should be taking, that sort of thing. Don't get me wrong, when someone close to me needs it I do pray for them. But I find it almost easy to let it go after a few days, not because I don't feel they need it, but because I forget and I let myself get in the way. I guess it sort of stems back to that first part about preparing myself. I don't have a solution nor am I really looking for one. I just wanted to share that this is something I am now struggling with. Let me share here the passage about intercessory prayer that has really been a bit of a wake-up call for me. For my purposes it can be found in the book Howard Thurman: Essential Writings edited by Luther Smith, Jr. on page 58:
"The question of the effectiveness of intercessory prayer does not belong in the experience of the man who prays for his friend-- it is his care that is poured out when he is most conscious of being cared for himself. When the hunger for God becomes articulate in a man so that it is one with his initial experience of God, it is the most natural thing in the world to share whatever his concerns may be. A man prays for loved ones because he has to, not merely because his prayer may accomplish something beyond this."
I've been working this past year to build a much more personal relationship with God, and particularly Him in the form of Jesus. This has sort of shown me I have a ways to go, but it has also shown me one of the not-so-simple simple steps I can take. I want to try to look at praying as a conversation, as if Jesus and I were just sitting on the couch enjoying some wine and hanging out like friends. I've always approached it as more of a heirarchy relationship, almost like He's my boss and it's time for a weekly review of my job performance and He's asking me "What could I be doing for you?" So this is my challenge to myself: rethink how I pray. Try a different approach. See what happens.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Ain'a That Good News!?
If you're reading this you're probably already friends with me on Facebook and know this, but I received the call Wednesday morning: I got accepted in to Colgate! The question I've been getting asked most often after being told "Congratulations" is "Are you excited? How do you feel?" I know want to answer it.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about getting in to seminary. I'm not sure if that's normal or if it's just me. I'm not even sure what I thought I would feel. I will confess that while I felt pretty confident that I would get in I was already formulating the rough sketches of a backup plan. I think I maybe wanted to prepare myself and cushion the blow in case I was sent down a different path. And what can I say? Self esteem and self confidence are not exactly strong suits for me.
Of course first and foremost I feel happiness and excitement. A huge step has been taken. This is the journey God is intending for me to take and it feels so right I don't know why it's taken me this long to reach here.
But I'm also scared. How am I going to pay for it? How do I even know I can do this? I haven't been in school in twelve years and even then it wasn't a typical school experience. What if I'm not smart enough? What if it's too overwhelming? What if I've got this all wrong?
I'm also sad, and this surprised me. Scared I can understand. Sad? This is a major life change. Even though I was dissatisfied with my life and felt like I was stuck on a treadmill, I at least had a vague idea of where my life is going or where I wanted it to go. I could create plans, goals, answer the "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" (Even if the answer was "Not here").But now? It's all a blank. My idea of what a normal life is is now gone. I know my "normal" is going to change. I know that's not bad. But everything that I thought I wanted is now changing. I feel like I have little to no control over what will come my way. And that scares me. A few months ago my life was about getting a promotion at work or maybe finding a new job and maybe meeting someone and getting married, deciding if I wanted kids or not, that sort of thing. Now I'm thinking about classes and the process the Presbytery will take me though and becoming a minister and running my own church.
So right now I'm processing. I'm sifting through the emotions and trying to hold on to the happiness and excitement and not let the fear and sadness take over. Believe me, this is a very good thing. I'm very happy to take this next step. I'm also glad I have eight or nine months to work through this and be comfortable with facing an unknown future.
I have a lot of mixed emotions about getting in to seminary. I'm not sure if that's normal or if it's just me. I'm not even sure what I thought I would feel. I will confess that while I felt pretty confident that I would get in I was already formulating the rough sketches of a backup plan. I think I maybe wanted to prepare myself and cushion the blow in case I was sent down a different path. And what can I say? Self esteem and self confidence are not exactly strong suits for me.
Of course first and foremost I feel happiness and excitement. A huge step has been taken. This is the journey God is intending for me to take and it feels so right I don't know why it's taken me this long to reach here.
But I'm also scared. How am I going to pay for it? How do I even know I can do this? I haven't been in school in twelve years and even then it wasn't a typical school experience. What if I'm not smart enough? What if it's too overwhelming? What if I've got this all wrong?
I'm also sad, and this surprised me. Scared I can understand. Sad? This is a major life change. Even though I was dissatisfied with my life and felt like I was stuck on a treadmill, I at least had a vague idea of where my life is going or where I wanted it to go. I could create plans, goals, answer the "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" (Even if the answer was "Not here").But now? It's all a blank. My idea of what a normal life is is now gone. I know my "normal" is going to change. I know that's not bad. But everything that I thought I wanted is now changing. I feel like I have little to no control over what will come my way. And that scares me. A few months ago my life was about getting a promotion at work or maybe finding a new job and maybe meeting someone and getting married, deciding if I wanted kids or not, that sort of thing. Now I'm thinking about classes and the process the Presbytery will take me though and becoming a minister and running my own church.
So right now I'm processing. I'm sifting through the emotions and trying to hold on to the happiness and excitement and not let the fear and sadness take over. Believe me, this is a very good thing. I'm very happy to take this next step. I'm also glad I have eight or nine months to work through this and be comfortable with facing an unknown future.
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